Friday, February 26, 2010
I believe I’m going to run for Governor here in the state of Maine. Thinking long and hard about the current condition of the state and our people, I think it would be in my best interest to at least give it a go. I mean what’s to lose? The job pays more than my current one; the benefits are simply awesome what with healthcare, lifetime pension, and my very own state trooper to drive me around wherever I want. Hell, I may even get a chance to travel to foreign lands on the taxpayer’s dime. I’d really be going to places like Greece and Spain to enjoy a bit of sun during the winter months, but I would say the purpose of the trip was for “economic development” whatever that term means.
It’s a win/ win situation as far as I’m concerned.
Now you are all probably asking yourselves “Why should I support someone who obviously has their own interests at heart and not those of the people?”
Well, simply put I agree. You as a voter should not cast your ballot for someone who doesn’t care about the people and future of Maine. However given the history of elections over the past forty years one can deduce that even though people should NOT vote for self interested individuals, they consistently do. Therefore there is hope for someone such as I.
What makes my candidacy stand out above all the others is honesty. Instead of manipulating everyone through the media by eliciting emotional responses based on some Harvard study of demographics, economics, and voter trends, I am cutting to the chase. You know right up front what you are getting when you vote for me.
The beauty of this campaign is in its platform, for the rather simple ideas I am about to put forth should set even the most irascible of politicos at ease.
Platform item 1. I AGREE! I promise to agree with all sides of an argument and to agree with each of them in turn. No one will ever feel that I am not on their side of an issue for I will make it the number one goal for myself, and every person in my administration, to be open minded to a fault.
2. Bi-Partisanship: All conflicts in the legislature current and future that cannot be resolved through bi-partisanship effort are to be handled through blue-ribbon panel commissions. These panels will weigh all sides of an issue, agreeing to agree, on all points and make a decision. If it takes fifty years to resolve the conflict the commission shall remain in place until the job is done. I feel this process is extremely helpful in moving Maine forward. Instead having to bear the responsibility of voting for a bill that could prove politically risky, our elected officials can now avoid it altogether, and shift any blame for negative outcomes to the commission. Another win/win all around.
3. Status Quo: The people of Maine, in their infinite wisdom have time and time again shown that they wish not for change in the legislature or in the economic make up of the state. I promise like so many of my predecessors in the Blaine House, to maintain a policy of Status Quo. We will work hard to hinder any and all possible economic advancement through odious and arbitrary regulations. To further the goal of absolute Status Quo I will form a crack team of middling performers who strive for nothing less than mediocrity. These appointees, who I deem sub czars, will form a virtual bureaucratic road block to any pesky business that dares to think this is where they want to set up shop. I swear by all that is holy we will succeed in helping the people of this great state stay right where they want to be. As a special “feel good” measure the sub czars shall all sing Kumbaya on the state house steps if they manage to crush a business hopeful by using environmental regulations.
To run a campaign such as this I am forced to prostitute any and all forms of integrity, values, and intellectual honesty. However for the greater good, and my own personal aggrandizement, I willingly make the sacrifice. Maine is too precious a state, to be put in the hands of other gubernatorial hopefuls who wish to deface her with their crazy ideas of prosperity.
Go with what you know, Status Quo!
Butler for Governor
Allen R Butler
* This article was printed in full in the Lakes Region Weekly Newspaper, Any and all endorsements,contributions or volunteers can contact me here at your pleasure.*
**The photo is of where I'll be living if elected to maintain the level of stagnation we all obviously desire. (It is the Blaine House for you who needed to be told)**